day 17- personality clash

I was having another read of those different personality types today. This friend of mine, who is struggling to cope with the lock down prompted it in a way. Yesterday we had a talk on the phone, and she was saying about how upset she was because of something I said, or failed to say, or did, or failed to do. It was all rather intense, and she left it with telling me that although she values me very much as a friend, I need to decide what sort of friendship I want with her.

It turns out, from reading her personality type, versus mine, that basically we have a totally different approach to friendship. She is an ESFJ type, and they tend to invest a lot of energy into friendships, and strive to be the best friends possible, and it shows in how they work to find out not just the superficial interests of their friends, but their strengths, passions, hopes and dreams. Nothing makes ESFJ types happier than to see the people they care about do well, and they are more than happy to take their own time and energy to help make it happen. and they expect the same in return.

from 16personalities.com

We ESTJ have a totally different approach. One of the telling things i read was that while ESFJ types enjoy lending this helping hand, other personality types may simply not have the energy or drive to keep up with it – creating further strain, people with the ESFJ personality type can become offended if their efforts aren’t reciprocated when the opportunity arises. Ultimately, their give and take can become stifling to types who are more interested in the moment than the future, or who simply have Identities that rest firmly on the Assertive side, making them content with who they are and uninterested in the sort of self-improvement and goal-setting that ESFJ’s hold so dear.

I reckon this is what has been happening between us. I have an assertive personality, and it bugged me that she was always suggesting things I should do to improve myself or whatever. I now realise it is just her personality type. Whereas it upset her when I did not put the same energy and passion into being her friend as she did being mine. So now I hope we have that sorted out- this is the logic person in me saying this, and we can find a way to be friends without the drama. Time will tell.

5 thoughts on “day 17- personality clash

  1. It is intriguing how personalities interact. I never really gave it much thought before, probably because I had so few friends and am suspicious of others, but having carers in an out, and a lot of different carers, it has highlighted it more. I’ve had carers say they love coming here because it doesn’t feel like work and I’ve had carers come that are so incredibly difficult to engage with they’ve made me feel uncomfortable and that sensation stayed long after they had left.

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  2. I do find it helpful sometimes to work out the personality types in a team as it so often sheds light on why we have differences and how we deal with them. My favourite type indicator is Winnie the Pooh. Is a person Piglet, Rabbit, Owl, Eeyore, Tigger, Pooh or Christopher Robin? Or Roo, for that matter … it’s surprising how many people this fits! Hub was once in a missionary team who were really struggling to work together. I pointed out that he was Tigger, whereas Eric was Eeyore, Richard was Rabbit and Graham was Owl. No wonder they were having problems.

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